Glossary: The cheap way to on-board heating harbours unpleasant surprises

Our on-board heater has had an impressive career over the last few years. It has been humped into the workshop several times by us, devouring several hundred euros in the process, occasionally raising our desperate hopes of a complete recovery, but then it broke down again like a marathon runner with an acute crisis of purpose.

The highlight was the steering. "Hm," said the workshop man with the oil-smeared overalls and the look of a surgeon, just before he informed us of the costs that had already been incurred. 400 euros, just as an aside. "Theoretically, she should be running again now." "Theoretically" is a very dangerous word when it comes to heating systems, I've internalised that by now.

My husband installed the heating, which theoretically worked. It worked neither theoretically nor otherwise. My husband removed it again and scrutinised it like a newborn baby that has been overwhelmed.

Why have one on-board heater when you can have several?

In practice, it now looks like this: We have several replacement heating systems: An electric infrared heater. A fan heater. An ethanol fireplace. And a paraffin stove that transforms life below deck into a kind of Sahara. Again today. It's April and still very cold. Nevertheless: "It's warm," I say, still brave. No answer. "It smells," I say. "Yes, like an adventure." Jesus, he's funny again today. "It smells like a petrol station." My tone is now a mixture of reproach and "One more bit and I'm leaving". But that doesn't work.

"You can do without a built-in heater," says my husband. "We have alternatives." - "A new one..." - "No, it's too expensive for the fact that it won't work again." Male logic. You have to like it. And you get used to everything. Even waking up at night and wondering with a pounding heart whether the noise is the wind or a tipped-over fan heater that has decided to set the upholstery on fire.

Jan and Mel's on-board heating has also failed and Heiner and Sunny's too. Rumour has it that there is a virus on the jetty.

A new heating system is incredibly expensive, so we all keep thinking back and forth about the alternatives, but always come to the same conclusion: "There's nothing like a diesel heating system." That's right. We had one. Purely theoretically. Because even untheoretically ... But I've already told you about that.

"I'll try to fix it myself," my husband decides. And then comes that moment when you're sitting in the lounge at night, surrounded by cables, extensions and a fan heater that sounds like a helicopter taking off, and you think: This can't be the state of the art. Nothing even begins to work. But a new on-board heater is far too ...

The solution

I can't remember who said the bad word at some point: "Temu!" There's no way Temu is going anywhere. Temu is a retail killer, Temu seduces, Temu is supposedly addictive, Temu has everything, probably including dinosaurs and nuclear power plants, but above all Temu has one thing: heaters identical in construction to the originals from the West! But, and here comes the Temu-dependent hook: for a fraction of the money that the heaters cost from a German heating engineer. 100 euros instead of 1,000!

Nevertheless: "No", that's the first and also the last word I'll say. The other ladies agree with me, but the men don't, of course. "It's worth a try," says Heiner pragmatically. "Just imagine, it works! I'll order three at once!"

"Me too!" my husband and Jan shout. "Listen carefully," says Heiner, who is reading the information sheet. "You won't believe this. But seriously. Diesel heating. Eight kilowatts. Only 109 euros." - "Surely that's illegal," I try to fend him off.

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It is waved away. The wall was ultimately also illegal, but did that bother any of the "owners" in the East for decades? Exactly.

"Listen carefully," says Heiner again and continues to ramble on. The description sounds like a love letter to frozen sailors: heats 20 to 25 square metres in ten minutes. Consumes hardly any diesel. Runs for 16 hours. Remote control. Display.

"I'm not going along with this," I say, and the other women nod. "You don't have to, we're ordering them." Male logic is priceless. Just like the legal new heating would actually be.

On-board heating with long journey

Two weeks later - Temu's shipping is totally climate-neutral and sustainable and the goods are transported by ship (so Temu can't be that bad). Thousands of nautical miles. And then there they are, the creators of the universe. The boxes lie on the jetty in front of them. You'd think we were opening a heating wholesale business. "Well," I say, nodding to Heiner, "then install them. Will you do it first?" - "Me? Are you crazy? Imagine if it doesn't work! Then I'll have installed all this stuff and can rip it out again. Nope." Jan nods in agreement. "I'll wait for now, too." - "Maybe it'll explode," says my husband. "With Temu, you can certainly expect anything."

The next day: jetty meeting. "So technically," Heiner begins, looking very technical, "it has 8 kW." - "That's a lot," my husband nods. "And 12 and 24 volts," adds Jan. Silence again. Then my husband looks at me. "Why don't you just do it," he says. "Why me?" - "Well, because it's not your fault." - "What?!" - "If it doesn't work for you, then it didn't happen to us."

"I can't install heaters." - "You only think that, it's learning by doing," says Heiner. "I'm going to open a box now," I say bravely. "DON'T!" comes from three throats and I'm looked at with wide eyes. "If that doesn't work ..."

An unpleasant surprise

In the end, we opened the parcels and realised that the outer packaging contained the wrong goods. Not heaters, but boilers. For boats. "Well, then everything's fine," the men gloat, "we don't have to send anything back and we have nine replacements in case the boilers break. So we've saved nine times over." I see.

I want to know what's going on with the heating. "We'll think about it again. But in any case, it's good that we're addressing the issue."

"It's amazing," says Jan, "the flyer here says: 'Stay warm everywhere: our diesel heater is suitable for altitudes below 3,000 metres and works without any problems in ambient temperatures from -40 °C to +40 °C. Whether at high altitude or in areas with low temperatures, this diesel heater can be easily installed and secured in your car and provides constant warmth everywhere. That means," he says, "if it doesn't work in the boat, we can use it for our cars."

"We have heaters," I reply. "Apart from that, a broken heating system doesn't work anywhere."

Jan gives me an angry glare. "Then don't!"

I then secretly took matters into my own hands and ordered three original heaters. Just as it should be. When they arrived, I was briefly reprimanded. And then? "Well, actually you should ..." - "Maybe there's something wrong in there again ..." - "Exactly. But maybe not."

And then, every time, very quietly, almost like a prayer: "But you do it first." They probably hope that samovars have been delivered. We'll have to wait and see.